Plan. Adapt. Sleep.

I haven’t written in a long time. Part of me wants closure on the current health issues before writing again but I don’t have answers yet and need to write.

Here is how my night has gone. Babysitter arrived at 6 and we left. Went out for supper with my husband, then grabbed some ice cream and went for a drive, wasted a few minutes at Wal-Mart and came home. Chatted with the babysitter then Graysen woke up. Babysitter left and Michael got changed to head into work. Eventually put the baby down and got a decaf coffee, piece of cheesecake and turned on the computer. Graysen was still screaming so I gave him Advil and a bottle and he continued to scream. He eventually settled and fell asleep (with the hiccups which was odd but they stopped!) Now I am sitting here with cold coffee and trying to write and as you can see from my last paragraph I am not doing so well at it!

As you can imagine this is not the way I planned my quiet evening to go and now I am way too tired to do anything but go to bed.

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Thank You.

After my post last week I have received an out pouring of love and support that I am so thankful for.

Never once did I think I was alone in this journey but to be told just how many people are praying for me and my family is such an encouragement.

This is scary and the truth is it could be anything but I believe in the power of prayer and that if God takes you to it he will take you through it.

So thank you. You have no idea how much all of your simple words have impacted my week. Thank you for being an encouragement and know that you have made a difference this week.

Do not worry about anything, Pray about everything.

I need to write this because until I do the thoughts will continue to run around inside my head and I will continue to focus on the “what ifs” not what is right in front of my face.

On February 26, 2013 I went to my doctor to find out what was causing the pain in my breast. I expected the worst (and still do). She was concerned and printed a request for a mammogram and stated that it was to be booked ASAP. When I went home and talked with my husband about all of this we made the decision to not focus on the “what ifs”, we decided it wasn’t going to benefit our family to think or talk about them because at the end of the day what if it wasn’t anything?

That was 37 days ago.

On March 25, 2013 I went back to her. I still didn’t have an appointment for my mammogram and she was floored. She printed another request underlined and highlighted the ASAP and handed it to her receptionist and told her to call everyone she needed to and make sure I got an appointment. The next day I received a phone call that my appointment was April 16, 2013.

49 days from my original appointment. By the time I get my results it will be 2 months of waiting and not knowing.

This week I was feeling overwhelmed by the wait, the unknown, the possibilities. I hit my breaking point and let the “what ifs” flow freely into my head.

What if I have cancer…

What if we just wasted 2 months…

What if we can never have anymore kids…

What if I get so weak I can’t even hold my sweet boy…

What if I have to spend months in the hospital…

What happens to my husband and son…

What if I have to have surgery…

What if I die…

 

The “what ifs” have consumed me but for what? I have wasted an entire day letting them eat me up, letting them get between my marriage, and letting them allow me to avoid my faith and belief in Jesus.

I believe in a God who is says in Philippians 4 verse 6 – Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God.

So now that I have kicked the “what ifs” out of my head I will pray for peace, for strength over the next month, for some of the best days with my family, for guidance, and for the knowledge that it is His will being done.

So there it is. There is my moment of weakness in this battle. However tomorrow is a new day and I have faith that no matter what is thrown at our family it has come for a reason and we will be given the strength to fight it.

 

Let the rain fall down around me

I love rain.

Have you ever stood outside and enjoyed the rain? Yes, you will get wet and sometimes it is cold but it is such a blessing to live in a place where we don’t worry about droughts and the complications that come without rain. When it rains there is a smell in the air that is indescribable, there is a peace that comes with just standing there letting the rain wash over you.

We often associate rain with storms and negativity but if you have ever spent any time outside letting yourself go while the rain is falling around you then you know it is not always a storm or some horrible thing that is going to ruin your day. I urge you the next time there is a warm rain (don’t want to encourage a cold rainy day & make you sick!) to get out and stand in the rain. You can sing, dance, pray, laugh, cry, I don’t care what you do just embrace the beauty of the rain. After standing in the rain I often feel refreshed and just have a new outlook on things.

With a toddler I spend most rainy days inside or dashing from the car to inside because it is a hassle to get soaked with a toddler. This summer I plan to go outside barefoot during a warm rain and enjoy it with my sweet boy and hope that he will grow up to love the rain as much as I do!